While reading. While talking to people. While chetting. While trying to sleep. While crossing roads. While commuting. While writing this.
What is it that's bugging me so?
- Work. Or lack of. I really must get a job soon, but it has to be worth leaving the dole -I mean, not gonna accept less wage than my previous job, as I am already deep in debt!
- Work. A.k.a.: What Do I Really Want To Do? spend the rest of my life like this? Breath in deep and jump yet into another stream? Am I gonna be able to, at this age? Am already put down at many places because am too old to be young :P
- Money. Spent all the loan from the bank, now have to pay for that loan plus everything else just with my dole money. Not possible.
- What to do?. Should I study something while not working? I really want to take up some courses, but see they are not going to be useful, plus they'd mean I'll have to pay extra at Hugo's school, to be able to get there in time. The free courses I found are not of much help, basic Windows office -Word, Excel, Access- and no Powerpoint, SAP, whatever people ask for on the ads and I ignore. English courses per thousands, only two French courses, and at a bad time/location for me to attend -and, anyway, they already started.
- What to do?. Should I take up Theatre classes, as been offered to atend for free to the course/workshop a man I hardly know teaches once a week? Should I try? Have been told I can take my son with me. Am thinking I'll go talk to him tomorrow -have no phone number, and since we spoke last week I've been ill... But am worried they end too late for Hugo -homework, school... Should give it a try!
- What to do?. Should I look for a few students, and get some extra cash teaching English again? But then, what if I find a job, and have to drop them? Have always had moral problems about comitting to something you know you can't end -but most people just take that for granted, and skip along. Should I see if I can get some work at the Adult School in the same terms, drop them if I get something better? Jeeeeesus, I'd hate doing that. But then, who knows how long it will take me to get a job?
- What to do?. Stop looking for a good job, and take any little shit? but am being paid 750 euro aprox. now, and most shitty jobs pay less than that.
- Should I dare? Should I try and chase Him again? should I seek the chance to talk, really, properly, and find out what's in His mind?
- Should I make a big move? Blow it all, sell the house, move somewhere else? Dare I? Can I really leve everything/everyone behind? Don't really think I can right now.
- Why am I so scared, suddenly, where did I lose my guts? Why am I leetting myself cower away, hide from problems, instead of flowing through them? Why am I stepping on the break instead of following my passion, my intuitions, letting my feet guide the way as usual?
- Why do I feel so scared of going into a new stormy, passionate, absorbing, head-spinning relationship? Even before finding out if there's a chance? Why am I so sure it will tear me apart the way I was once torn? Shred me into tiny pieces, and take years to heal again? I haven't even started, yet am so damn sure it would be like that... based on nothing else than a feeling deep inside...
This introspective mood is causing trouble, too. Am floating through life, not seeing much of what's surrounding me. Am pissing people off when they see I'm obssessively going on and on in a vortex of inactivity. Am too self-centred, they think. Am too prone to reflection, hiding from action, they think. And when I say I have also been thinking over that, they get pissed off!!!
Man, do I need a job!