Remember my problems with the audit, yesterday? I should finish work at 6:30 p.m., but rarely do. That's o.k., as long as I'm in time to get Hugo, but yesterday it was 7:20 p.m. when I finally dared tell my boss I had to leave. I had managed a Special Service and TNT had to come from the airport to collect our parcel -and they sure charged for it, as my boss said- so I had to wait 'till they arrived. I finally left my boss there, with the money ready, as I had my flat invaded by Sis + Mom, who'd brought Hugo back from Lloret as he'd had this Monday off. Of course, Sis was mad at leaving from my flat so late... 'till she realized the amount of hours I'd been in the office, she shouldn't be shouting at me -still out of work, nothing suits her?
This morning I have emails and phone calls from all the 3 companies late to send their Interface Agreements, making amendments, but my boss is not in today so I have to discuss this all over his mobile -disconnected! It is really urgent, as I may have to ammend a document that I sent by e-mail, but the original is waiting for DHL to collect and send to India, so I hope I can solve this in time!!!
Changing subjects, I was dead right about Nate getting hooked on me. He told me on Sunday about how one of his problems right now is that he'd decided to stop seeing completely this woman he was quite close to, he'd been seeing her while we were lovers years ago -during the 3 years we were +/- together, before my meeting Joan- and when I was with Joan, he lost his flat and stayed at her place for over a year, not quite being a couple, but a live-in lover and friend ends up getting really involved with the whole family situation: He was helping out with her two kids and arguing constantly -this I remember I had heard of a few years ago- because she will not work! Always broke, with two kids, and living of the help her parents and ex-in-laws give her, plus of course making Nate feel forced to help her. And he was suffering because of this, she's getting nowhere, and he'd buy food for the kids, help as much as possible, but could not pay for all this woman's bills when he's working hard and she will not look for a job.
Yes, I knew about her ages ago, and he'd told me about his concern about her many times. Though he hadn't said it was with her, I guessed it was her he was living with, but I also know he wasn't confortable with the situation and didn't even always sleep together, using the couch often.
And now he'd split with her, definitely this time, shortly after he'd started sleeping with me again. He'd started to tell me once, but stopped. i knew him well enough to guess what he was talking about. Sunday night was the night of confessions, went through all his mixed emotions, how rotten he felt, how it hurt, but he had to put an end to it. He'd been by to see the kids a few times, and it was even worse, so he was considering to drop contact all together for at least 5-6 months... does this ring a bell?
Sooo, of course, he started going through my relationship with Joan, if we were still in touch, he could see how I was still aching a bit, but less... and we went more in-depth into my relationships and remembered, as many other times, the first time I'd told him about this biker who I was seeing lately... and he sent me a message just then, and how Nate saw my face light up, and how Nate urged me to go and meet the guy, as i obviously wanted to... Yes, we'd gone through this many times, but this was the first time he admited being jealous! He'd seen how this other guy was making me happier than he'd ever seen me with him, though we really had a good time together and were quite close for long... He'd seen how I'd run to that guy, and suddenly he was in my flat every night! He'd seen how I was falling in love with someone and even living with him, after all the efforts he'd made!
...We went on talking about other things, he repeated how he misses me when I'm not there -he's started to admit this recently- and, literally, warned me i must be careful or he'll fall in love with me... he thinks it's really easy to fall in love with me and is almost there... I said he knew me too well to actually fall in love, but it seems he doesn't!
Later, in bed, he went on asking, if he were my man, if he took care of me, would I let him stay with me every night?
I asked him to give me some time. I said he could come more often, I feel really well in his company, but I can't commit myself right now. Not to him.
By the way, guess who I spoke to yesterday morning, and am supposed to eat with tomorrow? Yesss, four letters, starting with J? Said he's going through a load of shit and everything is happening at the same time, appologized many times for his attitude towards me, but just can't cope... I said I knew that things do tend to happen all at once, don't they?. Good vibes, and seemed sincere.
Happy 'coz my friend Eva asked me if I'd heard from joan -after this conversation, but she knew nothing of it. She tries not to tell me much about him, nor the other way round, to keep away from trouble, and I never ask her anything and only comment the surface of the problems, as I respect totally her friendship and have beeen in this position myself -James and Krissy- and would hate to make her feel unconfortable. In fact, every now and then she'll say, "You know I don't say much, but I see him often, and..." and more than once her news I actually knew from him, or had known beforehand -for instance, his plan of changing his coke and social habits- and can only then tell her I knew.
Anyway, she asked me if I'd heard anything from Joan lately, 'coz he'd told her about a week ago he really wanted to see me, but was so fucked up with many things he wanted to choose the right day, not to be in a rush, or pissed off... It seems he'd told her he was dying to see me and talk, but had been so stupid lately he didn't know how I'd react. she reassured him I wanted to see him and would be happy to meet.
Noooo, not hoping anything at all! I just want to get over this silly batch of distance, I want to keep in touch and have felt for a while that, once we meet the first time -the most difficult one- it should be o.k. to keep in touch normally.
I mean, even Hugo asked me last week when could we go and see Joan, he'd been ages without seeing him, and I'd said we would be friends! "Or has he said you can't go to his house?" -Poor Hugo hears me talking to people and gets his own pictures in his mind.
Hugo had a fuuny idea -coming from him- but I told him it was nasty, as it happened often in real life: He said that, If Nate wants to be my boyfriend and to live with us as we did with Joan, I could agree, sell our small flat, get a biger one 'coz Nate would help to pay, and then when I'm ok with money, kick him out and we'd have a bigger, better house, paying the same as now! And poor Nate would have no house, but he could rent another one again, and would be happy because I'd been his girlfriend for some months! I said I'd never do that, at least not intentionally like that, though there are women who do think that way... and seem to be better off than me! but he said -no, it's good for all of us ... We'd have a nicer house, the cat would have a bigger bathroom (?) (that's where the cat's food and litter are) and Nate... he wouldn't be worse off than now! Hugo was laughing his head off!!!
He'd heard Joan and I discuss doing this temporarily months ago, as a way to get me back on my feet, but re-interpreted by an 8-year-old it sounds...